Thirteen years of being a single adult and I still have no clue what goes through men's heads. I try not to take things personally as each man is a different specimen, but over time it can really crush your self-esteem when you see a concerning pattern.
Men seem to put women into two categories -
The ones they want to f-
The ones they feel are a worthy trophy to parade around and brag about.
One woman stays indoors.
One woman gets to go for a walk.
Some clues you aren't his girlfriend, but are instead his mistress -
*Everything is about time. When can you meet up, what window of time (usually in hours, not days).
*Everything is about getting down to business and getting the deed done and if there's time left over, talk about how your week went.
*You've never met his kids, but you might have heard about them.
*You've never met his friends, but you might have heard about them.
*If you go on a weekend trip, no one he knows is aware of the trip.
*He doesn't change his status on social media.
*Gifts usually involve sexy lingerie or a bottle of wine.
*You may have never seen where he lives.
*He makes excuses not to meet your family or friends.
What do girlfriends get that mistresses don't?
*Girlfriend has access to his living situation, perhaps his work place/work friends, his friends, his children, his family. She has been officially introduced including possibly hand holding to show there is an official connection.
*He changes his social media status.
*He talks a lot about dreams and plans for the future to see how the two of you jive.
*He is excited to meet your family and friends.
*He wants to be with you for longer periods of time and everyone knows where he is.
*At work events, he invites you. If he's asked to a wedding or a party, you're his date.
*He's proud to tell people you are his girlfriend and to announce what it is you do and where you are from.
*He says "I love you," and not "love you" or "adore you" or "luv ya."
I look back at 13 years and realize I've always been a hidden secret. There is interest, but there is no advancing of me from a testing this out phase to a legitimate phase.
Either the man was taken, he didn't want his kids to know he's dating, he lived out of state, he came out of a bad marriage and was scared, he was looking to just get laid....
Whatever their reasons for holding a woman in the dark, the message that the woman receives is that he doesn't value her, he doesn't see worth in her, he is using her.
Women need to demand to be visible. Insist you meet his family or friends and visit his home. These are simple tests that, if he's looking for a partner, he will easily provide, but if he's looking for just a cozy side piece he will make a million excuses.
"I have a roommate - I don't want you to see what a loser he is and he'll make you uncomfortable."
"I'm in the middle of renovation. When it's safe and it's done, I'll show it to you."
"Your place is so much more comfortable. I just have a twin bed and it's a dirty mess."
Signs he has a woman already -
He can only see you for specific windows of time, usually evenings or weekends. When it's a holiday, forget it. He's taken. When he texts you or calls you, it's 10:30 at night (when his woman is asleep) or when he's out shopping or in the car.
He doesn't want to take selfies with you.
He makes excuses not to meet your family or friends.
He wants to meet you in strange parts of town that neither of you live in.
You don't plan trips away unless you book the hotel room with your card.
If he takes you out, he pays cash.
If he sends you a selfie, it's in his bathroom and usually lewd.
The kind of men who cannot take you out in the light are pretty much saying "this isn't going anywhere." The sad thing is women easily miss the signs.
My best advice -
Sisters, remember you are not low-hanging fruit, not a dirty secret, not unworthy. Do not ask so little of a partner that you accept excuses and dismissal and feel "lucky" to have them.